Let’s Get Chemical
I love ionic and covalent bonds. They both have the same result, two atoms bonding to create a chemical compound; but they go about it in two very different ways.
A simple explanation is in order.
An atom is made up of a nucleus (which consists of protons and neutrons) and the electrons traveling in orbit around that nucleus.
The orbit of the first layer of electrons will hold up to two electrons and runs closest to the nucleus. The next layers will hold up to eight. The outermost layer consists of any leftover electrons from the previous layer and are called: Valence Electrons.
An Ionic Bond is one where one or more Valence Electrons from one atom are taken from another atom for its own use. This creates positive and negative ions which are attracted to each other.
A Covalent Bond is when one or more Valence Electrons are shared by two atoms.
A Covalent or an Ionic Relationship?
I see relationships fall into one of these two types of bonding or no bond at all. Oh, I’m sure there are other types and deviations and exceptions, etc.; but I’m talking generally here. So, without further ado, we’ll get the unhealthy stuff out of the way first:
No Bond
No bond between parent and child leaves the child wandering around lost, looking for love and acceptance wherever it can be found. There is no connection or root to the mentor of their lives. An unhealthy self-dependence develops; a lack of being able to have a deep relationship with another person; trust issues; poor choices; co-dependency; the list goes on. A life of trouble and addictions upbringing follows this type of upbringing where there is no bonding taking place with the parent or any other significant adult.
A bond to the parents and to the family is vital. A child needs to know that there is a safe place to go – his family. Friends come and go; and in this society, even spouses come and go – but a family will always be by your side. IF, there is a good bond there.
An Ionic Bond
An Ionically Bonded Relationship is a bond in which one gives and the other takes. This creates a negative/positive type of bond.
A great example of this type of bond would be my past. I had some areas in my life where my basic needs were not met during my growing up years. I became very co-dependent and sought for approval and love by trying to please people and fix them. This giving (we shall give this a negative charge here) became an attraction to the opposite type of person. One who, throughout their lives their basic needs were not met, controlled and demanded and needed service to feel good about themselves (we shall give this a positive charge). An attraction was made, an ionic bond forged, and two miserable people became even more miserable. It was unhealthy because one took, the other gave and there was no sharing involved. My personality was sucked dry because I had to change in order to please the other person. They just got angrier because I was not living up to their expectations and needs, no matter how hard I tried.
Yes, there were times that I obeyed what was required or demanded of me – but it was done out of fear of conflict, not out of respect or love. I experienced many times of passive-aggressive responses and I felt good about getting my own back without direct confrontation. I rebelled and withheld my heart but acted out what I knew would get the best response. I was controlling outcomes with my behavior. I was not free to be myself.
When an Ionic Bond is forged between a parent and child, it could look like this:
I was 19 years old and had just moved to the United States from Venezuela. I got on the bus to go to my job and sat back to enjoy the ride. The bus stopped at the next stop and a mother and a teenage girl walked in. The mother didn’t have enough change. Her daughter, in a disgusted voice, said quite loudly, “I can’t believe you did that, Mom! You knew we were going here. Why didn’t you bring the correct change?!? Ugh!” And she walked ahead of her as if the mother had leprosy.
My Latin upbringing cringed at the disrespect that girl showed her mother. But I was even more shocked that the mother had allowed it!
The daughter heaps on abuse, the Mother takes it. An Ionic Bond of the most unhealthy kind.
It can be the other way around.
A friend commented a couple of weeks ago that he was upset with his 18 year old daughter. She had taken money from a savings account that belonged to both of them. The father went to his daughter’s workplace and demanded that she come talk to him. They went to lunch and in the crowded restaurant, he raised his voice as he berated her for not informing him of her actions. The daughter, mortified, told her father that she would leave if he did not lower his voice. Her father commented to me later that he was incensed that she would dare to threaten to leave. He could not see that he had, in effect, taken away her dignity. I am happy to say that the daughter did not give it. The father was gently reminded that doors to hearts get closed when public attacks are made and that their relationship needs to be nurtured with gentleness, kindness and respect. In addition, he needed to give up the control over his adult daughter’s life. Don’t get me wrong – I am not supportive of children taking money without prior consent.
Controlling your children or allowing them to control you is a form of Ionic Bonding that does not foster a healthy relationship. Rebellion often occurs during these types of bonding because no one likes to be controlled. That rebellion can rear its ugly head early during their teenage years or later on as adults. It can also affect future generations as controlling behaviors learned from parents are acquired for their own type of parenting.
I am aware of a family where controlling parents dominated the scene. In addition, the husband was very verbal in his disrespect towards his wife. Out of four children, three of them turned to drugs and alcohol – two of them when they were adults with children and with devastating effects. One ended up in a rehabilitation center for a week, the other lost his home, car, job and family. The third one continues to drown out the world with alcohol.
The Covalent Bond
My favorite part! Why is this one so important? Because it will help them make correct decisions during difficult times. Let’s talk about what I see as a Covalent Bond between families.
The family shares…
That’s it! We share everything. Troubles, laughter, experiences with God, anger, games, frustration, respect, tears, movies, books, forgiveness, sorrow, what we’ve learned, what we want to learn, what our hopes are, what our fears are, what our goals are, what our expectations are, rules of the house, ways of doing things, why we think the way we do, why we follow God’s Word. You get the point.
There is compromise and healthy skills of communication; each person retains their own personality; respect for the other person is attained. “I know who you are and I don’t want to take from that. I want you to be just the way you were created. I enjoy you for who you are. Here I am, take me as I am.”
We are open books to each other, and we love turning the pages. 
We are very vocal with our children about what we believe in and what we expect from them. We are even more vocal when God shows His hand in our lives. They know from personal experience what it is to have God make His presence known. They know that praise for His Works and His Miracles flows freely from our lips as our eyes overflow with tears of joy. We are not ashamed to let them see us cry. We are real with them and they are real with us.
Why Is This Important?
Two recent experiences come to mind. I spoke with a young man once who had an upbringing similar to the one we’re giving our children. No television channels in the home, old black and white movies, all Christian music, listening to great pastors preach over the CD player, great family times, a lot of laughter and fun, etc. Oh yeah, and a lot of loving discipline!
I asked him why he had never experimented with drugs. He mentioned that he once was tempted; some friends of his asked him to join them in the bathroom to smoke some marijuana. He was curious, but the thought of hurting his dad was more powerful than the curiosity. He did not want to disappoint his father or ruin the great relationship they had. So, he declined.
I was reading a very good book called Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves
“Paul, a teenager I know, found himself under a great deal of pressure to smoke marijuana. He was with a group of schoolmates whose acceptance he wanted, traveling in a van with them through a neighboring town. When they pressed him to smoke the drug, a round of rationalizations began to develop in his brain. But then he thought about his family, about how much he admired his parents and their kindness to him, and about a younger brother and two sisters who looked up to him. The pressure from the others was getting unfriendly. At a stoplight he jumped out the back door of the van and walked seven or eight miles home.”
There it was again! The good relationship that the young man had with his parents and siblings helped him to overcome a temptation.
My two youngest children look up to and admire their older brother Jared who is 18 years old. Preston, who is 10, talks about him all the time and calls him the godliest man he knows. They hate to disappoint Jared in any way. They listen when he talks.
It wasn’t always that way – there was more of an Ionic Bond there and fear reigned. Many talks ensued about the bonding that was needed. Then Jared read Laddie
I walked into the living room the other day and I saw Jared at his desk studying some Math. Preston had the stool right next to him and had his own math book on the side of Jared’s desk. I asked him what he was doing and he replied, “Doing Math with Jared.” He just wanted to be with Jared and do what Jared was doing. What an example – what a nice bond!
It goes the same way with our Father in Heaven. I love Him more than anyone or anything else – you could say that I have a Covalent Bond with Him. We share everything and I feel very safe with Him. Temptations come, and the thought of hurting Him or my relationship with Him helps me to overcome it most times. I value what we have. I want to please Him and not disappoint Him.
A few weeks ago, I received a comment that bothered me. The person I was with said, after I had received a phone call from my 21 year old daughter Melissa, that my kids had me wrapped around their fingers so tightly that it wasn’t very darned funny! He was angry when he said this.
I pondered it and wondered if there was any truth to this. When I told Melissa the comment, she laughed and said, “Are you kidding? You have US wrapped so tightly around YOUR finger that we would do anything that you asked. We can deny you nothing! We know that if we ever need anything that we can come to you. You know that we would give you anything if you needed it!”
(contented sigh) This is good stuff!
Questions to ask yourself:
- Do you show your child respect by not snapping, yelling or being sarcastic?
- Do you make sure that your child respects you?
- Are you playing with your children on a regular basis and spending quality time with them?
- Has the television taken up residence as babysitter and become the main activity for spending time together?
- Are your children spending more time with the family than with friends?
- Can they tell you anything without fear?
- Does obedience reign in the home?
What kind of bonding occurs in your home? Is it Ionic, Covalent or none at all?
To Bond or not to Bond – check out our article on a Bonding Moment.
A Word from God:
Psalm 127:3 Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children. Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
