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What Did I Do Wrong?
That is our first thought, isn’t it? What did I do that made my children stray?
I had seen my first son drift into drugs and alcohol, expressing suicidal thoughts, and exhibiting extreme angry outbursts; all symptoms of suffering from serious issues with his father, which had brought forth many addictions. I experienced child number two rebelling in everything that she was taught. See the two previous articles to find out what happened (The Empty Spot in my Basement and She’s Gone). Now I was witnessing watching child number three starting to imitate some of the initial behaviors he had seen in his older siblings. What did I do wrong?
I thought that I had raised Godly children. Having come from a background of low self-esteem due to some choices that my parents had made and exacerbated by choices I chose to make, my focus in raising children was to make sure that they had a high self-esteem.
Love abounded in everything. They had no doubt about my love for them. We studied scriptures, went to church each week, talked about everything and anything. Many talks were about choices and following God. But something was still lacking.
After some serious thinking, self-introspection, pondering, looking at other successful patterns (which at first I thought were too radical!), I came up with the following list that I believe contributed to the poor choices my children made, along with what I’ve changed. I understand that each child will still make choices and that we have no control over their choices. But I also believe that there are some things that we can do that will help them be stronger in that deep, innate desire that resides within most of us to do what is right.
Before I continue, let me stress this point with a true story that occurred with my then nine year old son Preston. He had been displaying some behaviors that were causing me some concern. There was a lie or two, and some disobedience coming forth which rang some warning bells for me. I started reading Little Britches
by Ralph Moody to Preston and his schoolmate Timothy, and came across an impacting passage:
Ralph Moody, as a child of nine, had told a whopper. As he relates, his father came home and was very upset. In his words:
“When he spoke, his voice was deep and dry, and I knew he must have been coughing a lot on the way home. ‘Son, there is no question but what the thing you have done today deserves severe punishment. You might have killed yourself or the horse, but much worse than that, you have injured your own character. A man’s character is like his house. If he tears boards off his house and burns them to keep himself warm and comfortable, his house soon becomes a ruin. If he tells lies to be able to do the things he shouldn’t do but wants to, his character will soon become a ruin. A man with a ruined character is a shame on the face of the earth.‘” (Emphasis mine)
I stopped at this point and said to the boys with a teasing smile on my face, “Wow! Did you hear that? That is sooo good that I need to read it again!” And I did – several times over. We discussed it and it made a great impression on them. We then focused on reading more scriptures in the morning and discussing them. Not just a plain, dry reading, but an excited reading and a “Wow! Did you see that? Abraham lied, but God protected King Abimelech! Why did Abraham lie? It sounds like he did not trust in God’s protection.”
I noticed a change in Preston’s behavior within a few days. God was making a change and character was developing. He started asking us to check library books before he read them to make sure they were appropriate. He watched some football with his dad and decided he had had enough when the cheerleaders came on. He did it with tact and diplomacy and just told his dad that he was going to go out and play with some friends.
Powerful changes come when we powerfully change our parenting and do it God’s way.
What I Did Then and What I Do Now
Discipline
Then: I was not consistent with my discipline at first. Some things I let slide. A lot of threats went unfulfilled. Too much negotiation and discussion was done. Then I would explode when I had reached my limit.
Now: Consistent discipline in love and patience. When my children behave out of character, there are underlying issues sometimes that the Lord reveals to me and He helps me to know what to say and do. However, discipline is always there. It is wholly Spirit led. Consequences are natural. It is done in love and never in anger.
James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
Sometimes, a physical punishment is necessary – but this one is always done out of love (never in anger) and with scripture to back it up. Forgiveness is asked for and freely given. God is included in the whole process. He is our parenting Partner (and He is much better than I am!). We start with prayer, we talk about the offense scriptural (His Word carries a lot more weight than mine!), then I most likely recite:
Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
I stress the promise part and that I love them too much for them not to have a good, long life. Therefore, I must discipline them because I love them. Just like my Father in Heaven will discipline me because He loves me.
Deuteronomy 8:5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.
The discipline always ends up with a child’s heart touched, hugs and forgiveness abounding, and it is over and done with. Their sin is remembered no more.
Prayer
Then: We were regular attenders at church, and we had discussions about God, but we didn’t consult Him about everything. We had not submitted every area of our lives to Him and a lot of what we did was flesh driven.
Now: There is a lot more prayer. He does answer prayers. Not only do I ask for His wisdom, I also ask for Him to change their hearts. And He does, because He loves them with an unfailing love and wants them to succeed also.
We share praise reports with each other when prayer is answered. We talk about God’s power and our authority to use it for the building of His kingdom. They view prayer as a very powerful tool against the enemy.
Communication
Then: Communication was pretty good; however the Holy Spirit was not invited to these dialogues. There was more shouting, demands, and requirements. There was a selfish side to me that said I did not want to be interrupted when I was busy. Deal with it later. There were other times that heart-to-heart talks were amazing and effective.
Now: For the most part, my children and I have awesome, Spirit-led conversations that may take a couple of hours and never at the right time. It most likely will occur at 11:00PM when I’m exhausted and just want to go to bed. Or when I have a huge list of things that need to be accomplished. But you can feel His presence and energy and their hearts are touched by Him. Change takes place, not because of requirement, but because of the Holy Spirit is at work in their hearts. And yes… we still occasionally have ineffective conversations where I end up on my knees asking God to show me where I went wrong and how I can improve.
An important point I want to make is that raising our voices in anger and shouting only closes the doors to their hearts. As soon as your voice changes, that heart’s door slams shut. You are locked out. You can discipline and punish, but you have only succeeded in putting a wall up between their heart and yours. Nothing was accomplished and resentment has started to grow.
Ephesians 6:4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
When we have heart-to-hearts, we begin with a prayer. First there is prayer before I go to my child because I most desperately need God’s help in the talk. Then I pray with the child I’m trying to reach. The Holy Spirit then becomes the moving force and hearts are changed. Sometimes, hearts are changed forever. Other times it has to be done a few more times.
Another important point I want to make is the wise use of humor. There are many times during a difficult conversation that I will insert some teasing with a twinkle in my eye or make a joke to lighten up the situation. It is so nice to watch their brows soften with the release of tension. Heavy discussions need to be lightened up when prompted by the Holy Spirit.
Media
Then: TV was not monitored THAT much (Simpson’s, after school shows, some R-rated shows). Any type of music was allowed as long as I didn’t have to hear it. Video games went on for hours at a time – not much monitoring of that either. Books were any that happened to be best-sellers which included romance novels, stories of vampires, whodunits, etc. Not that much Bible was studied. I remember Christopher coming home from visiting his Uncle Kenny (Pastor Ken Delgado of The House in Palm Bay, Florida) and saying that we needed to change what we watched and listened to. I thought it would be too difficult to do, so I gave it a half-hearted attempt. Christopher went from a beautiful spiritual high to a drug filled downfall.
Now: After Melissa left, changes had already been made but it was too late to affect her. We removed any outside channel from our TV and only God-approved videos and DVD’s crossed our threshold. It is not above us to get up and take a movie out if anything inappropriate showed up.
We got rid of all the books that were not uplifting or thought provoking. Classics dominated the scene starting with the Bible and lively discussions ensued. Character and integrity, standing up for what you believe in, being bold about what God says, honesty. All these virtues and others were stressed and explained.
There was a time when Jared broke a serious rule. We spent two hours talking about character, integrity, honesty, and following what God has decreed. I spoke about the sacrifices that some of our Founding Fathers made for the sake of a principle that they strongly believed in. They were willing to give up their lives for this cause. We talked about the watered down society we now live in. By the end of this loving, gentle conversation, Jared was in tears. I had handed down a severe discipline. I asked why he was crying, because he had lost character or because he had lost a privilege. He replied that he cried because he had lost character. Things only got better from then on.
Music slowly changed. Little by little we replaced our secular music with Christian music. I encouraged the kids to change the radio channels when they were on any secular station. Not because I said so, but because God wanted us to watch what we saw, what we listened to, what we heard. It took a couple of years, but they all have a desire to listen only to Christian music. Our music library is large enough now that it accommodates all tastes – from slow, classical pieces to hard rock and rap. All God centered.
We rarely go to movies anymore. Everything is checked at Plugged In Online. If it does not appear there, then we’ll check it out first ourselves. Including and especially some of the latest animated film such as Shrek, Ice Age The Meltdown, etc. These include things that leave you a little unsettled – a sure-fire way to know that the Holy Spirit does not really want us to let these things into our minds.
Our minds are our treasured possessions. We should be caring for them and not allowing any type of garbage to take up residence in there. Our minds can make or break an attitude, a feeling, an action. We’ve taught our kids to really filter what goes in there. Would you rather walk into a restaurant that is absolutely spotless and the servers friendly or would you prefer to walk in where you wonder when a mop last saw the floor and the servers barely grunt a hello? I see our minds the same way! I want my mind and the minds of my children to be spotless and a great attitude to abound in there! By filtering what goes in, the mind stays mopped and friendly.
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