Menopause…
Sure feels turbulent! But that’s not what I’m going to write about today. 
A Moment in Time
I remember a situation with my oldest daughter Melissa and a “horror-moan” incident in the days before I implemented all the changes in our home. She was sixteen and we were both at the bathroom sink, washing our faces and chatting. She asked if she could go somewhere and I replied in the negative. This was the beginning of the horror story.
Melissa argued in favor of the outing, I replied against it due to the unsavory peers that were involved in the outing. We continued the dance with Melissa getting more adamant and me getting more grumpy. By the end of the conversation, I firmly said, “No! And we’ll have no more arguments about it! If you continue, I’m going to ground you!”
Melissa went to bed angry and I was in a foul mood. It had been emotionally challenging, and even though we didn’t lose our tempers, it didn’t end on a good note.
The next morning, my nasty mood lingered like the sting after a burn. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast with a dark cloud swirling above my head when Melissa sailed in, fresh as sunshine and with a song in her voice. “Good morning!” she sang with a bright smile.
I looked at her incredulously and asked her about last night. She shrugged, smiled and as she hugged me, she said nonchalantly, “Heh! Mood swing!”
And with a bright smile she breezed through the day happy as a lark!
I vowed that day to never let a “mood swing” affect my life again! LOL!
Adolescence
Do you remember my Dear LF? I have a Dear Little Friend that I referenced in another article titled I Hate You, Dad!! She is just beginning the the puberty years and her mood swings can happen within seconds. Her mother has remarked how these sudden emotional upheavals would leave her with her mouth hanging open and wishing she could remember if she had been that way, too!
Puberty for LF manifests itself like this: she forgets a lot now; her mind wanders; she may not obey immediately because she loses her train of though; she can cry easily one day, and be on cloud nine the next. Little things may upset this young woman tremendously one time and the next time it could mean nothing. She can love something at one moment and hate it at the next. And she is forever leaving her phone, or her purse, or her brush in places she cannot remember.
LF spends half of her time at her dad’s house and the other half at her mom’s house. She is two different people depending on which parent she is with.
She is the perfect example of what I want to talk about. These years can either be a source of turbulence, or a source of wonder depending on how you treat the adolescent.
The way I see it, the flow of hormones is allowed to flow under the controlled pressure of a faucet or is gushing forth uncontrollably through a broken pipe.
The emotions are there; we cannot stop the natural flow of what God created.
The Broken Pipe
LF lets me know how it goes at her dad’s house. He fights with her about everything. If there is a spot of dried milk left on the countertop after she has eaten, he gets on her. If she forgets to say goodbye during a phone conversation with him, he will call her back and rail on her. If she forgets her plate on the table after eating, he yells at her. If the amount of makeup she wears (very little) is noticeable at all, he gets mad at her.
These very things can happen at other times with no response from him at all. It just happens when he is having a hard time himself. I have talked to LF about realizing that it has nothing to do with her, but is a result of his own broken childhood which has not been dealt with, and how it spills out onto others. Unfortunately, his brokenness results in anger that manifests itself in yelling and long arguments accompanied by unreasonable discipline.
Realizing the whys doesn’t change how LF feels, though. Angry. Very, very angry. So angry that she feels hate and resentment towards him and a rift is slowly developing in their relationship. Thoughts of rebellion are surfacing now, too.
He complains about how disrespectful she is, and how she is hateful, contentious, disobedient, ungrateful, a smart alec, she doesn’t listen, she talks back, etc.
Contrast this with how the mother sees it.
The Controlled Faucet
The mother talks about how respectful, obedient, moldable, grateful, and delightful her daughter is. LF sings all day long, she laughs and talks, there is no fighting unless it’s with the younger sibling every once in awhile. This young teenager will cry if she feels she has hurt someone’s feelings. If mama is kind of angry, then she goes out of her way to smooth the path for her mother. She is always looking out for the underdog. And no matter what anyone does for her, she is very grateful and doesn’t hesitate to say it. She forgives freely.
Yes… we are talking about the same person here. Amazing, isn’t it??
Does the mother experience any of the effects of the hormones that rage through this young girl’s body? Yes! But to her it is a marvel at how the transition from little girl to womanhood is done. It doesn’t affect her (that much) because she knows that God knows what He is doing!
What is the difference?
The difference lies in how LF is treated in both homes.
The father lacks knowledge about what to expect from a teenager and wants perfection right away. He demands respect and yells to get it. Same with obedience and honor. He wants every rule followed and will not allow little victories for the young girl as she gets to know who she is. He is inconsistent in the boundaries he has established.
Anger, contention, and unreasonable expectations can make this difficult time in a young teenager’s life even more difficult and can result in much anger and resentment. This will affect much in the life of a future adult.
I remember Pastor Steve of Alpine Church talking about a man he is counseling who is dealing with anger, resentment and unforgiveness that is poisoning this man’s soul and now must be dealt with. All these negative emotions came from a father who didn’t know how to parent a son in a Godly Manner.
The mother realizes that LF is dealing with a lot of emotions that this teenager needs to learn how to control. She encourages her daughter to communicate her feelings and gently guides her while teaching her that this time of life is normal. She accepts the fact that she may need to remind LF more than once to do something. She knows that her young woman may forget the phone at a friend’s house for the umpteenth time. But she also knows that the faucet during this time is the Word of God.
How Do We Do It?
We are currently on teenager number four, our second daughter Erin, and pre-teen son Preston. There are some steps that we take to ensure a smoother transition through the adolescent years of our children.
The Bible and Prayer
Our most powerful aid is Bible study and prayer with our children. This is such a key ingredient in helping our kids through the wonderful moments of puberty. It keeps our family together as the Word washes through us and makes us whole. We pray for each other consistently and constantly. Prayer is one of our most valuable assets!
We use the Bible verses that we have learned to gently correct our children:
Proverbs 22:6 NKJV Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
And we pray for every situation. I cannot tell you the countless times I’ve had to have a “talk” with one of my kids and it is always prefaced with prayer. I don’t want to go in and mess it up, so I depend a lot on Him to help me.
Disobedience and Anger
When disobedience happens, instead of yelling and demanding obedience, the Word of God is brought forth and discipline becomes a loving moment – not an angry moment.
Ephesians 6:1-4 New Revised Standard Version 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—this is the first commandment with a promise: 3 “so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” 4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
We channel our anger. There are many times that the actions of one of our children produces anger, which is not a bad thing. What I’ve done when I’m angry is send my kid to his/her room until my anger has passed and then I go in with my weapon blazing – The Bible. For an example of how discipline is applied at our home go to A Discipline Moment.
Everything is done in love and understanding for the season of life the grownup-in-the-making is experiencing.
Proverbs 3:11-12 New Century Version My child, do not reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t get angry when he corrects you. The Lord corrects those he loves, just as parents correct the child they delight in. (Underline mine.)
Self-Control
When there is a loss of control in my teen’s behavior, then the verse from Titus 2:6 applied works wonders:
Titus 2:6 NKJV Likewise, exhort the young men to be sober-minded..
Vine has this to say about it:
…The verb ‘sophroneo’, to be soberminded… The word expresses the exercise of self-control. Self-restraint is the special need of youth. To gain and retain the mastery over the tendency to indulge in what is prejudicial to moral and spiritual welfare, requires that self-control which is consistent with walking in the fear of God.
Vine, W. (1997, c1996). Collected writings of W.E. Vine. Nashville: Thomas Nelson. (Emphasis mine.)
We talk a lot about self-control and how the use of it helps us effectively communicate with others. As soon as control is lost, then the doors of communication have closed and the heart is no longer responsive.
I’m not saying we don’t have outbursts in this home. But the outbursts are always followed by a time alone in the room to think about it and cool off. Then we go in and talk about it. Our children are always repentant afterwards, Praise the Lord. They come up with ideas and ways to handle their lack of self-control for the next time.
This lesson hits home even more when we are good examples of this self-control!
Bond With Your Children
Another key aspect is the fact that we take time to spend time with our kids. We do not watch television so that leaves our evenings free to play games, do community service, read books together, watch an uplifting movie, go for bike rides, etc. We spend a lot of time with each other and that keeps us close. Close enough to be able to have great talks with each other and learn from each other. The article Why Bond? covers this in more detail.
Delight in Them
This is an amazing part of their journey. Delight in it and see it for what it is. Look at each child as they go through this transition period and marvel at how different each of them are. Melissa was a tomboy, so her emotions weren’t as strong as Erin’s are. Erin is one big emotion! But she lives life to the fullest and is all girl. She even throws like one! LOL. Melissa is even tempered and well-rounded in each area. She was the quarterback in her teams during grade school. Both of them great young women, two very different people!
Jared had a lot more anger and explosions during his adolescence! A lot of that comes with autism. But he is also intense, brilliant and always finishes what he begins. Through it all, he learned self-control and is a very amazing young man today. Preston, I can tell, will be moodier. He’s only eleven but I’m starting to see some signs.
Christopher had a very difficult adolescence. He grew up during my old parenting ways. He also had a very tough relationship with his father. He has always had a beautiful heart and is very tender. I knew from the beginning that he would be a great father and husband. And he is! However, I am reserving Christopher for another story…
More on delighting in the kids is found in the article: Delight in Them.
Sense of Humor
Above all else, we try to maintain a good sense of humor about the whole process. Nothing works better than making light of the moment, when the time is right.
The other day, I looked at Erin and with a serious face, I said, “Honey, do you realize that you’re going to be fourteen next month and we’re still friends!! Woohoo!!”
We had a good laugh about it. We can laugh about these moments; it sure smooths things over when situations get tense.
I Have to be Honest
I am going to be transparent with you and let you know that I will be so glad when our last one finishes his round with puberty! It is a lot of hard work, patience, and takes a lot of time to gently lead them and guide them through this time of life.
But, I will be honest and let you know that it has been a wonder to see them grow up into the adults that they are or will be – I am blessed with the most amazing kids! Each and every one of them has grown and developed beautifully through the parenting skills that God has taught us. Especially the last six years when we traded our traditional parenting style with a radical style. They would not be who they are today without His influence in their lives.
If you have any questions or concerns about what your teenager is going through, please feel free to send us the story through the Contact Us page. If we don’t have the answer, we will try our best to direct you to where the answer may be found.
May God bless you with Wisdom and Patience during the adolescent period of your children… Haha!
