Setting the Atmosphere: Words

This week I’m beginning a three-part series about… well, you know. The title says it. It’s the Atmosphere of your home – something that God has laid heavy on my heart.

As you read these articles, it would be helpful to take an honest assessment of the atmosphere of your home:

• Is the atmosphere positive or negative?
• Do people usually get along or is there continual bickering?
• Is there service being performed by all members of the family or is it a self-centered operation?
• Does respect abound between all family members or is it disrespectful between you?
• Do your family members feel safe at home?
• Is there continual growth in character for all members of the family or is stagnation the current state?
• Is uplifting communication the norm or is it continual put-downs?
• Does love abound?

The Way I Used to Work

I remember a time when my modus operandi was to cut people down because I thought it was funny and I could get a few laughs. Someone would say something and I would make a joke at their expense. The first few times laughter would abound. The next few, the laughs weren’t that hearty. The last few times, hurt could be seen in the eyes of the one receiving my sarcasm.

I’m talking Tim-the-Toolman-Taylor kind of humor. Or Everyone Loves Raymond. How about Archie Bunker? Even Married With Children. I know I’m dating myself, and I don’t know what the current programming is because we haven’t had access to mainstream television for years now, but I think you get my drift. From what I understand, most television shows depict this type of humor.

Some people would enjoy my put-downs and banter back, but I could sense that the tone (or the atmosphere) of our relationship subtly changed and it no longer was a very easy-going relationship that inspired growth and closeness.

My husband had a similar experience in England where one of his good friends made sure Pete was the butt of his jokes more often than not. It got to the point where Pete avoided him whenever possible and the friendship died.

Just recently, one of my children took part in a class where she was made fun of by the teacher throughout the whole class period because he felt comfortable with her and enjoyed her.  It went too far, though, and she left in tears. It was a bad day to be the recipient of his type of humor. Her respect and regard for him diminished tremendously that day.

There have been times that my children come home from playing at their friend’s house only to remark, “Mom, they were so mean to each other!” It breaks their hearts to see it.

So what does the Bible say about this type of communication?

Let’s look at what Paul has to say in Ephesians 4. The subtitle of this section of scripture is Instructions for Christian Living. I’d like to focus on just one verse: 29.

Ephesians 4:29 NLT Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

I like how the Amplified says it:

Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.

Break it down – words that are discouraged (and discourage the listener):

• Foul – impure, polluted, obscene, profane (this link and all the subsequent ones come from the 1828 Dictionary)
• Abusive – offering harsh words, rude, reproachful
• Polluting – defiling, rendering unclean, corrupting, profaning
• Evil – …evil is any thing which produces pain, distress, loss or calamity, or which in any way disturbs the peace, impairs the happiness, or destroys the perfection of natural beings
• Unwholesome – unfavorable to health
• Worthless – having no value of character or no virtue

If you get a chance, follow the links to the 1828 Dictionary. It will break down each word powerfully and can be used for impact while teaching your children.

Words that are encouraged (and encourage the listener):

• Good – check out the 1828 Dictionary for this one. There are so many definitions and many are excellent and suitable to this passage!
• Helpful – furnishing help, giving aid, useful
• Beneficial – conferring benefits, contributing to a valuable end
• Fitting (to the need and occasion) – making suitable, preparing, qualifying

The benefits of doing it the way Paul describes is that it encourages, it’s a blessing and gives God’s favor to those who hear it. That’s pretty powerful.

Belittling someone for the sake of a laugh may not always sit right with everyone. I find that it encourages bickering in the home. When I allowed this type of communication (belittling, put-downs, sarcasm, etc.), fights occurred more often in our home. Disrespect and a lack of service followed. It changed the atmosphere of the home.

Imagine a home where name calling such as jerk, dink, brat, retard, ugly, fat, idiot, stupid, shorty, etc. abound in the home. How do each of the members really feel? Deep down inside? Do they feel irritated? Discouraged? Angry? Frustrated? Hateful? Hurt? Do they live up to the words placed upon them?

Now imagine a home where words such as beautiful, brilliant, amazing, sweet, cool, cute, witty, smart, etc. abound. How would each member of the family feel? Beautiful? Amazing? Cute? Brilliant? Loved? Will they live up to the words placed upon them? I think the chances are much better this way!

The other day Erin came up to me and said, “Preston is so cute. He’s so sweet to me. I fell asleep watching a movie so he carried me to bed and covered me up.” That from the mouth of a 15 year old talking about her 12 year old brother.

I like that. That’s a good atmosphere to have in the home. She thinks he’s cute, and sweet, and helpful. She tells him, too!

Tips

If you find that an atmosphere of negative communication has invaded your home, here are a few simple tips:

1. Make a rule and make sure every member of the family follows it: If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it.

I had a situation with a friend in High School that exemplifies this concept. We cut each other down every morning on the school bus thinking that we were being funny. It got to the point where I hated mornings going to school. I felt frustrated, angry, ugly, and very annoyed. Our friendship deteriorated. My mom gave me some advice and told me to just ignore what he says when it’s negative, and say something nice to him in response. Wise words! I tried it and it worked. The sarcasm totally ceased and I got my friend back. The tone of the relationship was very relaxed and easygoing.

Ephesians 4:31-32 The Message (MSG) Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

You can implement this with scripture and cement it with games – be creative and make it fun! If someone uses a word that negatively describes another, the giver gets to perform an act of service for the recipient. It can be as simple as making their bed for the next week, or washing their feet, or letting them have their way the next time they play.

2. Encourage Positive Communication

Parents, make sure that you are continually pointing out the positive to your child. In fact, a good rule of thumb is this: If you’re going to say something negative, back it up with seven positives.

Your child is just like you, with good characteristics and negative issues that need to be corrected. Make sure your correction is without name calling and labeling. Do not make them the butt of your jokes, especially to people outside the family. Let their mistakes remain in the privacy of your own home (unless you get permission to use it for the benefit of others). Be loyal to them – and they’ll be loyal back.

Continually point out their good behaviors. There is nothing wrong with admiring your child. God delights in you (Zepheniah 3:17); therefore, delight in your child ( a good article on delighting in your children is Delight in Them). They all have something amazing in them – tell it to their face and to the world and this will reinforce the good behaviors.

Proverbs 12:18 (NLT) Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.

3. Encourage your children to uplift their own friends. I would much rather a friend who builds me up all the time, and one who gently corrects, than one who cuts me down, even for a joke.

There was someone very important in my life who used to scrunch up his face often and tell me I was weird. He told me my family was weird, too. After 12 years, know what I believed? That I was weird.

4. Words have creative power. Be very careful how you use them.

I have a friend who used to laugh and call her child a snot. I told her one day she was going to go to her daughter’s bedroom to wake her up and just find a pile of snot on the pillow. We had a good laugh – it’s a pretty funny visual. But I’m serious. What you think and speak of your child is something you are creating.

5. Change Your Thinking Patterns

My brother never called it the Terrible Twos. He called it the Terrific Twos. When my three year old grandson came to my house and said something was stupid, I told him the word was stupendous. He now calls things stupendous. Do you sense the difference in the atmosphere right there? Just the way we use words can change the whole feeling.

Your words can either create or destroy.

Words CAN control the atmosphere of your home. There must be a reason why Paul said it often!

Ephesians 5:4 Amplified Let there be no filthiness (obscenity, indecency) nor foolish and sinful (silly and corrupt) talk, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting or becoming; but instead voice your thankfulness [to God].