A Touchy and Controversial Subject

I truly have been struggling with this article for a long time (since June of last year to be exact) because it can be a *really* long article or it can be short. Besides, it goes against all societal norms and therefore may be a shocking concept! It’s a good thing that I have the experiences from three other families to back this one up!

The Email

So, I got an email from an awesome young lady that I know. She has the coolest, softest accent and she is an amazing woman in the making. She asked for my advice, and since this has been heavy on my heart lately, I think it is time to write it down with the help of the Lord.

Her email:

“okay so do u remember our conversation that we had after our church service that one sunday?? well……turns out one of my best friends has already started heading down that road that she doesnt need to b on…her and her boyfriend both broke their commiment, if ya know what i mean, and hav done so many other things.

its so hard bc i look at her in such a different way and now i know i shouldnt b around her as much bc i dont need to b around those things bc they could b very tempting things.

so could u pleasepray for me, i have a lot of other friends who havnt headed down that road but shes my best friend, one of them at least and also pray for her, she has told me that she realizes she has made a mistake but around other ppl she acts like its all cool and that it was okay and she also said it wasnt like other christians out there arent having sex and me and my boyfriend will b together till the end…… so yeah plz pray for the both of us, thank u!!

just to let ya know ive already talked to mom and dad too and they r praying also, i just wanted to c what someone else says that arent my parents haha”

First of all, I must confess that I’m so proud of her for involving her parents! Parents are the ones who care more than anyone else about the future and welfare of their children.

Now, let’s look at the scenario behind the scenes:

The Hunter and His Snare

Who is this hunter? And what is his sole aim?

1 Peter 5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour… KJV

Strong’s Concordance metaphorically says this about the devil:

1228 [diabolos /dee·ab·ol·os/] adj. …metaph. applied to a man who, by opposing the cause of God, may be said to act the part of the devil or to side with him. Additional Information: Satan the prince of the demons, the author of evil, persecuting good men, estranging mankind from God and enticing them to sin…

As explained above, the devil’s sole aim is to estrange us from God by enticing us to sin.

So, with that in mind, let me share a common opinion in our family that has to do with a common occurrence in our society today: dating.

The kids don’t date. Final. They don’t get crushes, they aren’t looking, they are just living a life for the Lord. They fully enjoy their moments with their friends, male and female, without worrying about the connection thing. Just friends. No dating. And this is their choice – not a mandate from the Mom. They just get it.

Why? Because that hunter is out to snare in the easiest way – estrange God’s children from their Father by way of sexual enticement.

Have you noticed it? Have you seen the bombardment that hits from every side? It’s everywhere – Television, Billboards, Magazines, Books, Internet, etc. – you cannot escape it! Unless you are in the Safe Zone – another article about to be finished – stay tuned.

Where in the World?

Did we get this idea about dating? Where are our children learning this dangerous notion that they should be able and have a right to engage their minds, their emotions and their bodies with a member of the opposite sex when they are clearly not going to marry them or are clearly not emotionally ready for the *love* thing or a commitment?

When Jared went to Belize on his mission this summer (2009), he met a cab driver who shared the state of his country with him. The cabby said that when cable TV was introduced into the country, the rates of murder, rape and teenage pregnancy skyrocketed. That change occurred over a two year period. Just two years of adult-themed media changed a lot in that country! That one broke my heart!!

Children’s Hospital in Boston just completed a study where they proved that children exposed to adult-themed movies and shows were more likely to become sexually active during early adolescence. (Montez, Josh. “Study Links Teen Sex to Childhood TV Habits.” Focus on the Family Action CitizenLink. 01 may 2009. Web. 19 Feb 2010. .)

I blame a lot on the media. Stop. Take a look at your after-school programs. How many sitcoms show young teenagers looking at another one and thinking that they are “hot” and that they cannot live without that other person? How many of those shows display intimate moments that they are not mature enough to handle yet? They are opening doors that once opened, are very hard to shut.

Three Glaring Snares

I see three glaring snares here:

HOT!!

Snare #1: They “love” someone and have to have them because they are “hot.”

So basically we’ve narrowed it down to just a physical attraction. Now we throw out the engaging of the mind and the personality of the other person. We like the outside, but know nothing of the inside! There is no commitment involved because we know they will not get married, and just a physical relationship has happened.

Adults are no better: how many adult shows and movies depict situations where adults indicate that the member of the opposite sex is hot, or sexy, or a “babe” or “hunk”, and they are off, to the chase! They cannot live without each other… until the next one comes along, of course!

The hot means absolutely nothing! Once married, you are living with the real person. And making sure you know the heart of that real person is imperative!

I have, during my lifetime, met some very attractive men and women. As I get to know them, their not-so-attractive personalities change their faces to where they are no longer attractive physically at all. It works the other way around, too. I’ve met some very plain looking people, but as I get to know them, their great personalities reflect off their faces and they become physically beautiful to me. It’s all in the heart – not the body.

1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

I read an email from Ron Hutchcraft where he saw a young lady with a t-shirt that had an arrow situated on her chest, pointing up to her face. The writing underneath the arrow said, “I’m up here!”

For more on the issue of hot, refer to the Article “The Soapbox.”

Divorce can Happen as Early as Thirteen

Snare #2: Divorce at Thirteen or so…

What happens when a teenager starts to date? First, there is that firm belief that they are in love – the first love of their life has a powerful impact on them emotionally and remains with them for the rest of their lives. How many times have we, as adults, looked back fondly on our first love?

My Mom mentioned to me that she received an email from her first flame, his memories of her and that first love still quite evident in his writing to her. This married man looked fondly back on what he told her was his first love.

Obviously, it didn’t work out between Mom and The Beau. When they broke up, he was broken-hearted. Any teenager who breaks up with their first love is broken-hearted. They experience their first divorce. It hurts as much as a divorce except there is no property or kids to divide up. They cry, become depressed, don’t want to eat, don’t want to play. They pull away from the opposite sex in order to avoid hurt again. Walls are beginning to build. Some are guarded from then on, refusing to give their full heart in hopes to protect a future pain. Plain and simple, it is something that severely hurts them emotionally.

What happens next? They find another partner and fall in love again. This one will likely not work out and another divorce is experienced. The younger they start dating, the more divorces they experience. By the time they reach marriage age, they have already experienced one or more divorces.

They have established a fact that if something doesn’t work out, just get divorced and find a new partner. The quest to find that perfect partner is never-ending. Commitment is not longer something that dominates the relationship, which affects every other part of our lives.

The perfect partner does not exist! Everyone has issues – Jesus is the only one that is perfect. However, the right partner does exist. The one that God has prepared for you!

Furthermore, when they do marry and a rough spot is hit in the marriage, as is common in any marriage, the propensity to look fondly back on the first love and wonder “what if?” is not a healthy moment for that marriage.

The Intimate Moments

Snare #3: Intimacy

Who has not felt the thrill of the first time you hold hands? It progresses to hugs. After the hugging comes that first kiss. Thoughts and emotions are now engaged. Intimacy has been shared. A heart has been given away. Thoughts center only on that person now, and those thoughts remember and rehearse over and over again the thrill of those intimate moments.

Soon, it is not enough. More is wanted and a yearning develops.

The relationship has entered a new realm; it has moved from discovering what that person is about, to having intimate moments with that person. The physical hormones are engaged and a new road to unimaginable pleasures has been opened for discovery.

These are all good things. Good things that God intended for us when experienced in His way – within the confines of marriage, that is.

The problem is that these “good” things sometimes get overwhelming during the moment and then we break that commitment that we had made in the first place. Now we are having sex before marriage and dealing with guilt because we have betrayed ourselves. As mentioned in the e-mail I received.

It is Very Possible!

As I’ve said in my first paragraph, I know three other families that follow this same recipe of “no dating” and have enjoyed tremendous success. My nieces, Lisa and Naomi, both received their first kiss on the day they got engaged. Lisa was 20 years old at the time, and Naomi was 24. They did it God’s way – there was no dating, just courtship when the time was right; and courtship done the right way. No intimacy, just getting to know each other really well, making sure it was God’s Will.

My dear friend Glenda’s two girls have married their first loves and intimacy was shared only after the courtship started – courtship (not dating) that was approved by the father before it began. Don’t get me wrong. Intimacy here means holding hands and sharing kisses. Nothing else!

Caroline, another dear friend of mine, has taught her girls to keep boys at elbow’s length at all times. It worked so well, that the girls, in their late teens, only look at boys as friends, knowing full well that when the time is right, the right one will come along.

And last, but not least, my son Jared who is now 20 years old, decided that when the time is right, and the right one is ready, God will introduce them. He made the commitment at age fifteen to not engage his emotions nor become involved in the dating scene until that time. His relationship with girls is purely platonic. He is relaxed in his time with friends because he’s not looking. His thoughts don’t center on any one woman. His thoughts are only living in the moment. He studies when it’s time to study. He plays when it’s time to play. He experiments (with chemicals cause he’s a chemmie-geek) when it’s time to experiment. And every moment is a time of worship. He is not consumed or obsessed with any one of the opposite sex.

“And people say it can’t be done in this day and age!” I say with a chuckle.

Radical?

Some people have mentioned how radical this is. Well, it may be radical in today’s society with today’s morals, but for us, it’s just a little jump back in time. Say…. a couple hundred years? I remember reading about one of our Founding Fathers and how he liked a woman (as a fully grown man) but would not even hold her hand for fear of offending her sensitive morals. Lol.

So, how do my kids feel about it? Great! It relieves some pressure for them and they are free to just enjoy themselves without worrying about who is hot, who likes them, who they like, who broke up with whom, broken hearts, self-esteem issues; a common occurrence in schools these days.

Erin, my 13 year old daughter, and I were driving home from Wal-Mart the other day and saw two kids her age with their arms around each other. We both agreed that it looked very unnatural.

The kids know that when the time is right, God will show them the one that He has reserved for them. They don’t have to look for their spouse.

They also know that one of the greatest gifts they can give their spouse is their heart. What a gift that would be to say to their spouse, “I’ve never loved any one but you. You are my first love.” The other gift will be untouched intimacy – intimacy that is experienced for the very first time with the one that they are engaged to.

I know… long article! I warned you! Before you go away, though, let me introduce:

The Bible and Dating

What does the Bible have to say about dating? It doesn’t. Dating is not mentioned because there were only betrothals. Many arranged, many because love was involved. Remember Jacob and Rachel? He loved her with a passion and worked fourteen years for her hand. Isaac and Rebekah had an arranged marriage.

When someone was betrothed, it was as if they were already married.

See what several Bible Scholars say about this:

“Betrothed” means “engaged,” but the meaning of the word in Jesus’ day goes beyond our own. Jewish law looked upon engagement, which lasted one year in Galilee, as a formal bond that could be dissolved only by divorce (Deut. 22:23, 24). Hence, Joseph is called Mary’s husband in v. 19 (cf. Gen. 29:21), though the marriage had not been consummated through sexual intimacy (vv. 18b, 25).

Believer’s Study Bible. 1997, c1995. C1991 Criswell Center for Biblical Studies. (electronic ed.) (Mt 1:18). Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

In biblical times, a betrothal for marriage was a binding agreement that set the young woman apart for the young man. The agreement was voided only by death or divorce; one could not get out of the betrothal in any other way. When Joseph discovered that Mary was pregnant, he did not want to make a ‘public example’ of her; instead, he decided to divorce her secretly. However, he did not carry out the divorce, because an angel of the Lord convinced him that the baby to be born to Mary would be the Son of God (Matt. 1:18-25).

During the engagement period, the bridegroom had certain privileges. If war was declared, he was exempt from military duty (Deut. 20:7). He also knew that his bride-to-be was protected by Mosaic Law…

The length of engagement varied. Sometimes the couple was married the same day they were engaged. Usually, however, a period of time elapsed between the betrothal and the marriage ceremony. During this time the young man prepared a place in his father’s house for his bride, while the bride prepared herself for married life.

Hayford, J. W., & Thomas Nelson Publishers. (1995). Hayford’s Bible handbook. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Notice that there weren’t several betrothals to try out which one would be best for them. There was one, and the betrothal was considered as binding as a marriage contract!

I’m Strong Enough

Okay, Dear Friend, I’m not picking on you! I know many people who have said that they are strong enough and have fallen. In fact I know two very dear girls who are pregnant as teenagers and who are not even engaged to be married. One child will not know his father, the other just lives with the father of the baby. Clearly not the stability that a child needs to grow up emotionally healthy.

Look at King David – a man after God’s own heart. He was very much in love with God and had a relationship with Him. And yet he succumbed to temptation and opened up a disastrous can of worms! Adultery, lying to himself and others, and murder!

Yes, there are those who do stay strong and who are able to keep that commitment to God. But there are many more who cannot. It only takes once. And then there is the fact that kissing and hugging is also intimacy. There is an emotional and physical door that is being opened. This relationship takes up space and time in our brain and may stop us from pursuing God whole-heartedly.

A wise Pastor once told me, “You run really hard after God, and when the time is right, you look to the left and then to the right. When you see your partner running right next to you, you know that’s the one.”

Jared has a favorite scripture that helps him with his commitment.

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 NLT I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.

So Jared has time for school, time for church, time to witness, time for friends – and that time is unencumbered with distractions or desires. He enjoys every minute of his life and lives for the Lord, knowing full well that when the time is right, he will be able to devote his time and attention to a family.

Call to Action

So, how do we engage our children of today, encouraging them to mix but not date?

1. Engage your children. A dictatorial ‘No Dating’ edict will only encourage them to act without your knowledge. Let them read this article, and encourage (or even challenge) them to make the same decision. Find Godly resources to help you make the point. There are plenty of books out there that make the point in a way that teenagers can understand and relate to.
2. Read more classics that encourage this type of behavior and other other great qualities of character.
3. Encourage mixed groups of friends. Your children need to mix with members of the opposite sex so that they know that they aren’t horrible, or suitable to place on a pedestal. It teaches them how to relate with others. We say no to foursomes, but odd numbers of boys and girls work.
4. Set boundaries and limits. Again, agree upon them with your children in advance, and ensure that you stand firm on those boundaries. Nothing tells a child more that you love them than boundaries that don’t waiver, consistency is the key.
5. Develop close relationships with your children so that they see you as a source of information, not irritation. A good relationship means that they’ll be more likely to listen to your advice. And remember that yelling immediately closes the door to the heart. You want to reach them? Use reason and logic. Engage their heart.
6. And last but not least, limit the amount of media that they are exposed to – make the quality of the media they are exposed to be the kind that you wouldn’t mind sharing with the Lord along with a bucket of buttered popcorn.

We won’t profess that this is the easiest road to take – Satan will ensure that difficulties lie ahead – but it’s worth the effort so that both you and your child know that the person they marry is the first person they’ve given their heart to and that they have been faithful to God.

May God bless you with Wisdom and Revelation in this area in the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ – Amen!