“Is your family always happy?”
That was the question given to my daughter by one of her best friends Tim (name changed for protection). Yes, we are usually happy as a family.
“Do you guys ever fight?”
My daughter explained how we argue once in awhile, but not often and everything is always resolved.
That same friend came over the other day to hang out. Tim plopped down right next to me and said, “I have a question for you… How is it that your family is always happy?”
I had to think about that one for a minute or two. I can’t pinpoint it to just one thing, but a series of things that we do in the home that keep it happy. I will begin with the simplest, but read on until the end. There is a surprise ending here… 
Erin shared how we allow each other to make mistakes.
True – that is one of the points. None of us are perfect and we allow imperfection to occur. For instance, Lissy, Erin and I are very klutzy. We accept that fact. We try to work on it and are more careful, but we do have accidents – a lot! If one of us breaks or spills something, we laugh. We especially laugh if we can save the situation and end up with no mess.
As parents, we don’t get mad over spilled milk. Accidents happen and that’s okay. No big deal. It can be cleaned up.
Some of us are neat-freaks, and some of us are not. Some are affectionate, others not. We accept the differences and don’t try to change each other.
Tim was told how we resolve arguments.
Arguments do happen in this home. Afterward, when everyone has had a think and a talk with God, we come together and apologize. We look at our own actions and see how we could have avoided something by behaving in a different manner. We discuss ways to avoid the situation in the future.
Jared has apologized at times because he was tired and reacted in anger. I’ve apologized for snapping when I was feeling like I let myself down. My younger ones have apologized because the horror-moans were showing their face. You get the drift. We’re not afraid to admit that we acted poorly and ask for forgiveness.
If you feel uncomfortable admitting wrongdoing to your child, please realize that pride is involved. Forsake it and ask God to reveal any wrongdoing on your part. Readily admit it. I believe our kids like to see that we are human, too.
James 5:16 (NLT) Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.
Forgiveness is given readily. Holding on to something just creates resentment and that is not healthy. And we do this to the best of our ability. None of us are perfect and we fail in all areas at times.
Rules for talking it out
Here are a few simple rules we follow:
- Each person gets to talk freely without getting interrupted
- Each person is allowed to feel the way they feel. They are not told that their feelings are wrong.
- When explaining the situation, they cannot imitate the other person’s voice. It usually ends up whiny and ugly. So all explaining must be done with a normal voice.
- There is absolutely no name calling. Ever. Final.
- A plan of action is discussed. How could each person have reacted different in order to avoid the argument? What steps will be taken for the future?
A good idea would be to pick up The Peacemaker: Handling Conflict without Fighting Back or Running Away by Kevin Johnson and Ken Sande and do it as a family. You can find it here.
We spend time with each other
We read scriptures together and discuss them freely. We try to do this daily. Doesn’t always work out, but we get some time in the Word together. I find that brings us closer together as a family. Sometimes we just share a favorite scripture. Sometimes someone is assigned to do the lesson. And sometimes it’s just a time to sit and share what God is doing in our lives.
We enjoy praying together. We pray for those that are hurting and are in need. We pray for each other. We share our needs.
We play games as a family or go out. I enjoy my children, so we have reserved two nights a week that we hang out. Doesn’t always happen, but the kids do look forward to that time. There is a lot of joking around and laughing going on. It’s fun.
I have resolved to make those two items a priority this year. I don’t have much longer with them at home, and I want to make sure that I enjoy the little time we have left. So consistent daily scripture time and plenty of play time are two goals for 2012.
It’s all about love.
This is the biggest key. It’s loving each other and serving each other. It’s loving God and allowing His Spirit to fill us so that we overlook irritations as we try to live peacefully together.
I shared with Tim how spending some quality time with God each day fills me with His love so it is easy to be happy, patient, kind, etc. The Fruit of the Spirit is manifest as I take time to adore Him, confess my sins, thank Him, present my requests, and read His Word. When I see God’s answers made manifest, I just adore Him even more! My love grows on a daily basis and I find myself full of His joy.
I see it in my kids, too.
Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT) But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
This scripture is truth. I have witnessed it over and over again. As soon as my time with God is diminished over a few days, I feel the “Old Man” returning and my joy is less.
And this just makes it easy to follow what Jesus wants from us. See how many scriptures refer to this concept of loving one another:
Matthew 22:37-39 NLT Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
See also John 13:34-35, 15:12, 15:17, Romans 12:10, 13:8, Galatians 5:13, Ephesians 4:2, 1 Thessalonians 3:12, 4:9.
Is it easy to love one another?
Not always. But remember that by spending time with God first, you are filled with His Love and it overflows unto others. The Fruit of the Spirit is real. Patience comes easier. Love abounds. Joy is present. A family is happy.
Ask God to help you with the difficult steps. Ignore silly mistakes, don’t expect perfection, allow each other to get grumpy, don’t take it out on each other. Readily admit your faults and give forgiveness as you ask for forgiveness.
It’s all about love.
The surprise ending.
After a couple of hours of talking with this young man, his eyes filled up with tears and he gave his heart to Jesus. Tim cried as he talked about how broken it was in his home, and how he could do no right in his father’s eyes. His idea of God the Father was what he saw in his father. His idea of God was skewed due to the way his father interacted with our friend. He felt condemned by his father and by God.
We talked about condemnation vs conviction, a loving Father, a compassionate Abba, a Counselor and best Friend. And praying for broken parents. (See I Hate You, Dad! for more on how to deal with an angry or broken parent.)
Tim later told us that this day was the happiest day of his life. He has God and he has hope.
I have no doubt that when this young man gets married and has a family, he will have a happy family.
